Flying Solo

I don't know who told people that it is okay to not wear deodorant on an airplane, but it is not. Especially if they're sitting right by you. I think maybe airlines should try having a little spray tunnel directly following the security checkpoint. First they take away your tweezers and your lighters (understandable, seeing as some of these fumes could surely start a major fire if given the opportunity), and then they pass you through a little de-stinker. I know this may sound a little culturally insensitive, but I think it's a health hazard to have body odors like that permeating my space for such an extended period of time. No amount of echinacea or vitamin C can rid a body of those effects.

Secondly, I believe in in-air catheters. I mean, it is truly ridiculous to think that you can get up whenever you want to tinkle. Who wants to wake from her 2 hour maximum of honestly good REM sleep to find a crazy Nigerian man in a suit climbing over her like a chimpanzee? Not me, that's for sure. It happened, so I can verify the dissatisfaction one might feel in that type of uncomfortable situation. I think the entire experience would have been made much simpler if a doctor at the gate had quickly slipped the man a little pee tube and let it go from there.

Thirdly, I am beginning to wonder if some people were allowed to skip kindergarten and first grade. In these most formative years, I learned not only to avoid ingesting paste and keep my hands to myself, but also the value of personal space. Apparently international travelers did not acquire such a streetwise education in their early years. With casual, yet full and deep, reclining throughout the entire flight, the young Dutch man in front of me surely enjoyed watching movies on his personalized KLM entertainment system. I, unfortunately, could not get five minutes into The Godfather before throwing in the towel. The damn movie is so dark in the first place that if you put the TV in the back of a seat that is reclined to a 45 degree angle, you can't see anything but a few outlines. I know you know what I am talking about. It's like when people try to show you pics on their laptops, but the screen is a a funky angle, making everything look like silver shadowy crap. Crazy.

I know you're thinking that I am overreacting. Why not just use the other available space? Well, I'll have you know that a mysterious metal box blocked all available leg room. Sure, it may have been rescue equipment, but I have to say I'd rather have been without a life vest than be forced sardine style into a seat for 11 hours. I'm a fairly good swimmer anyhow. And I could by no means stretch into the aisle--I already feared being hit by an unexpected food and beverage cart as it was. Plus, topping all of that off, the crazy Nigerian felt it necessary to test his skills as an American imposter by lounging in his seat to the furthest extent he could possibly reach. All he needed was a beer belly, a Bud Light and re-runs of Cops, and the scene would have been an Oscar-worthy rendition of middle-aged American men.

Looking back, I think that the whole process of flying should be amended. My $650 2 square feet of space was not used solely by me, the purchaser. My Nigerian friend and the Dutch recliner should have to chip in at least a hundo for the occupancy of my space (like sub-letting, if you will), while the Nigerian and my other urine-happy pal in the window seat should have to toss in another fifty for the amount of time I had to spend involuntarily out of my seat. I think it only fair. Maybe KLM should consider group evaluations at the conclusion of each flight, kind of like after group projects at USC. That way, they can fairly determine how much each person truly owes. This would make up for having to sit by stinker, screaming children, seat-overflowers, chronic tinklers, etc.