So Close, Yet So Far Away...

There are few times in a woman's life when she finds herself confronted with not only one, but multiple men, clad in nothing but their tighty whities, and she reacts with anything but disgust and possibly an uncontrollable gag reflex. But, friends, let me tell you, I found myself in such a situation. It was just me, Marc, and a bunch of reasonably, if not very, attractive men in undies. The only thing coming between us was that:

1. The undied men were in the canal on a boat, busying themselves with some healthy booty-shaking
   
2. The undied men were gay

So close, yet so far way... Isn't that always the case? I mean, you walk through the Castro and witness some of the best looking, nicest people you've ever met, and though they pay you more attention than your mom, they are the farthest thing from dating material you could ever find. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not out on the prowl for a man at this point in my life. (I can hear the sighs of relief. I know there were some of you thinking, "What?! Is she not satisfied in her relationship? Is everything OK over there?" Chill out.) I am just saying, it is a phenomenon that never ceases to amaze me.

Anyhow, so there I am standing at the canals edge, watching boat after boat pass by, all with scantily clad males...some with elderly lesbians--interesting, but it didn't really fit the mood. As I watch them go by, I notice that these floats seem to have an affinity for white. It's like everyone in Amsterdam owns white pants. Where do men even find white pants, and why? Unless you have a chateau in St. Tropez, there's no need for white pants. They're just far too sheer. Then again, with all of the topless beaches etc., I guess they don't care for much mystery around here.















The parade went on, and I was a wreck with excitement, despite the torrential downpour of rain in the middle of the whole ordeal. One float even had two blow-up dolls making out. How can you beat that? Oh, wait! I know! Name your society Gaydar! Oh, forget it...someone in Amsterdam beat you to it.

Off topic, why is it that the only men who seem to give half a crap about their bodies in A'dam are gay? Other men are content with potbellies, as if women don't mind those things as much as other men might, had that been their dating pool of choice. See, my theory is that gay men know every detail of a man's body, as they have one themselves; thus, they care for their own as they wish their partner to, and can make direct comparisons if necessary. See, a hetero male can look at a girl and think she's on the same playing field as him, when in fact there are no solid points of proof to back up his assumption. Maybe he thinks that having no chest hair wins him a girl with a C-cup. But maybe chest hair is sexy to the girl he's eyeing, making his judgement completely false. With a gay man, he can mold himself into what he sees as his ideal mate, thus attracting a man that suits his direct tastes. (Not in all cases, as opposites clearly attract. Remember, this is a crazy theory of mine to justify why it is that only gay men in Amsterdam go to the gym. It has no merit in the real world, and I know it's crazy.) So if a guy values men with nice buns, he can tone his own, thus drawing in those with the right parts. That way, a man can say, on a sure and superficial level, "We are definitely on the same playing field."

This is not to say all relationships are so superficial. But who can deny that initial assessment upon meeting potential partners? You size them up, and likewise they check you out. Girls often underestimate themselves, and men often over. Girls think that every decent looking male is too good for them, while guys think they're some sort of love god Adonis capable of attracting anything on legs.

Which leads me off topic once more. Why is it that hetero males are so threatened by gayness? You don't see girls running for their lives to escape the ever-so-scary lesbians of the world! Why? Because they're not scary or threatening or anything of the sort. Clearly, women are generally more level-headed about these sorts of things, but it still bothers me. It's like every hetero guy thinks that if he's in a 50 foot vicinity of a gay guy, he'll clearly be marked a target and hit on uncontrollably. But unless he evokes that type of mob behavior from females (which most men do not), then I have no understanding as to why he thinks he'll arouse such a reaction from a man. Plus, guys make unwanted advances on women all the time, and they don't seem to think there's anything wrong with it. But, trust me men of the world, WE DON'T LIKE IT, AND YOU ARE CREEPY TO US. Personally, I'd rather be hit on by a cute and normal lesbian than some sleazy old man. Equally as uninterested, but at least more comfortable with the chick.

So, hear this guys: not every gay man wants to sleep with you, just as every girl does not want to sleep with you. So stop running around like chickens with your heads cut off, trying to escape the big bad homosexuals. Quit stroking your egos and flattering yourselves, because unless you are Brad Pitt, nobody is ever going to chase after you with the intention of inappropriately taking advantage of you without your consent.

Whew. Excuse my tangent...and my sweeping generalizations. I just get my panties in a bunch when somebody sets me off on that topic (and somebody did today).

click photos to enlarge